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Take a shower!!

·1574 words·8 mins

This bitter hateful rant isnt really specific to pharmacists or pharmacies. Its to everyone who has to deal with the public in person.
What aversion do people have against showers? I’m being serious!
I get people all the time walking straight up to the counter and emit this rank death from their person that honestly makes me feel nauseous. Usually they have some stupid ass question that involves some ‘strange bumps’ on their body. Unfortunally conversations like these involve them showing me their nasty ass armpit, or chest, or some other god-forsaken place that hasnt seen the light of day (or a bar of soap) since ive been born. 9 times out of 10 those bumps are natures way of saying “Sweet Jesus take a fucking shower you slob!”.
People might think that stanky asses only come in the summer time. Oh no, the dead of winter is much much worse. See, some people think that if they dont sweat, they dont need a shower. Hell, whats the use of wiping my ass when I shit when i’m just going to take another one a day later! So you get these people waltzing in without a care in the world reaking of a mixture of BO, piss, and stank and wonder why nobody wants to help them. If i smeared shit all over my body and walked around town with a grin on my face (“hey! how ya doin? *smile*”) do you think people would want to help me?
However the summertime is fun-time because people just walk around in their sweat stained wifebeater all week and think things are just hunky-dory. Its a lose-lose situation for pharmacies and their staff.
Now we’re at a catch-22, because there is no polite way to say “Take a fucking shower you slob” without sounding like a total dickhead. So we’ve tried the usual thing when people walk in who are notorous for rolling around in their own urine hoping we’ll “drop the hint”:

  • Turning on all the fans in the front when they come in
    • Spraying Lysol into said fans while they are being helped
      • Spraying lysol in the air in front of them while they are being helped (if this doesnt say something, I dont know what does).
        • Slamming said Lysol bottle in front of them while they are being helped
          • “Have you tried using a strong soap and water on those strange bumps?”
            • Handing out tokens for the car-wash down the road.
              Of course, they are oblivious. Doesnt matter that people are coughing and dry-heaving all around them; they just go about their merry way shopping and carrying on a grand old time. I bet they think everyone has horrible allergies with all the mouth-breathing going on.
              Whats sad is that its always the overweight people that have the no-shower problems. I dont know if they have a problem making their way to the car-wash to be hosed off, or if their short little arms cant reach past their man-titties (i wonder how they piss or wipe their ass. Wait, i answered my own question) to wash. I’m not trying to rag on the morbidly obese, because you know its not their fault that they can only stuff McChickens and Quarter Pounders in their mouth for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, snack, snack, dinner, snack, snack, GIMME MORE MORE!!!
              So next time someone who hasnt bathed since jesus was a boy walks into your pharmacy. Do the poor man/woman a favor and just take them out back and hose them off. Make sure you scrub under their tusks and ears and in the creases of their fat. Who knows, you might find some coins or maybe a TV guide from the 70’s!

Comments #

Comment by Ash on 2006-05-09 21:43:54 -0700 #

I’m about to enter my professional years in pharmacy school and I would like to say thank you. People like you give me hope, i’ve been surrounded by people in school who could quite probably live off the wonder that is their own presence for at least a week or so. and knowing that their are pharmacists like you out there fighting the good fight against general stupidity makes my day.

Comment by ED on 2006-05-10 08:24:29 -0700 #

I have been a pharmacist for some time. I can relate to each post that I have read so far. The fact of the matter is,
I was considering writing a book about “people” in general and pharmacy people in particular, but you are doing such a fine job that I ask only that you continue and have shelved my project.
One question I have is how do you tell one of your staff about an odiferous problem?
I have tried the short straw and the girl who got it refused to take on the task.
Keep up the good work..

Comment by adambombaz on 2006-05-10 13:26:25 -0700 #

Do you ever think they purposely dont shower to speed you up? I dont know about you but when Mr. Smelly comes into my pharmacy with a Rx, the wait time changes from 20-30 minutes to “go stand in line it will be ready in 30 seconds.” I know that the longer they sit waiting for the Rx, the longer the stench lingers in the air after they leave. And I have had some stenches that even Lysol cannot cover up.

Comment by krbe on 2006-05-11 09:08:50 -0700 #

I’d like to add that these people leave sweat stains when they lean on the counter and touch the counter top. And guess who but the pharmacist has to use disinfectant to wipe the counter after every stinko? What would we do without Lysol?

Comment by Amy on 2006-05-14 15:19:18 -0700 #

I appreciate reading your humorous antidotes of the pharmacy world…I thought you might appreciate this. Years ago as a recent graduate of pharmacy school I accepted a job with a grocery store chain that was proud to promote the then innovative idea of a drive thru pharmacy. Committed to counseling I offered such to a cab driver utilizing our drive thru window. This person was so obese that their belly hung thru the steering column of the cab forcing one to wonder how it was possible to turn the steering wheel. This cabbie’s dog rode shotgun…I commented on the shar-pei looking animal and was corrected that this animal was in fact a “hefty” dotson…no shit! That dog must have weighed 30 pounds and was currently sharing (bite for bite) a big mac with the cabbie. The person made no effort to pretend to care about the counseling as he/she flossed their teeth with an old sheet of paper as I shared my professional knowledge. I actually ducked once as a mass of unknown origin made its way toward the plexi-glass window I was standing behind. No shame…no shame at all.

Comment by Tina on 2006-06-03 05:33:04 -0700 #

Babe, just try working in the ER. You get to get up close and personal with all their naughty bits, it ain’t pretty.

Comment by stl_rxtech on 2007-04-27 21:37:47 -0700 #

oh i just LOVE when the fatties come leaning on the shopping carts with three bags of doritos and two south beach diet bars in their shopping carts, just to switch positions and lean on ur counter. then, of course, they proceed to breathe all over the counter, cough n drip some sweat on it too. as you try to ring up the prescriptions, you cant possibly avoid the strong odor of piss, shit and cat poo howering in the air. it’s days like those I wish we could keep gallons of clorox behind the counter and pour some “as needed”. I have nothing against obese people, but honestly don’t blame it on others when it is your own fault. and also, dnt be selfish – think about the people that surround u! we don’t wanna smell ur dirty undies from 8 feet away! thx!

Comment by Kbabe00 on 2007-05-02 23:41:03 -0700 #

I agree with every single thing you have said. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Thanks for this. It helps me get through my day.

Comment by tink on 2009-01-16 14:51:49 -0800 #

OMG! Your post is the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a loooong time! I’m so glad I found this blog!!! Thanks for the great writing!

Comment by julianne on 2009-01-16 15:34:33 -0800 #

What about when it’s not the customers that smell, but the pharmacist??? My pharmacist smells like a mixture of BO, old cigarettes, moth balls, and soy sauce. YUCK!

Comment by cardsfanbj on 2010-09-11 21:01:54 -0700 #

What’s even worse? About a month before I started at my pharmacy (so about a year and a month ago from posting this) one of our patients (who continues to be a pain in our ass to this day) was waiting for her prescription in our very new store, when someone realized it was her time of the month and she didn’t have money for tampons (I guess Medicare doesn’t pay for them?) and period-ed (not sure if this is the right verb, but I don’t want to be overly graphic) on our waiting room floor… And she may have been wearing a (dirty) white skirt, too…
And, yes, she is one of those non-bathers, as well as her boyfriend. It fucking grosses us all out