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Lies Lies and More Lies

·1310 words·7 mins

Dont you love it when a patient of yours just bold-face lies to you? Hell, some of them are so good at it that even my bullshit detector doesnt go off (the first time).. Sometimes I think they actually believe the crap that is coming out of their mouth.
But to all of those out there who need a reminder of how to make a story believable, heres some pointers:

  • If you say that you ‘lost’ your Soma in the rain, at least throw your empty bottle in the sink or something. Paper labels say a lot when they are perfectly dry and the tape isn’t coming off.
    • After your rain excuse; when I wipe a layer of perfectly dry soma-dust from the inside of your bottle, hold it up so your stupid ass can look at it, and say “Rain eh?” the correct response is NOT “well i’ll pay cash for it!”. Brrrp! Sorry! Wrong! I’m not going to be bribed so you can get your dope early.
      • State Program + Gold Chains/Fubu Everything/Escalade + Early Refill because it got lost/stolen/eaten/vaporized = Bullshit story. I was born at night, it wasn’t last night. Money doesn’t just spontaneously appear, it needs to be generated, and since you are not working, and I know the state doesn’t pay that well, we can all make a good assumption where you are getting the cash for your bling.
        • For gods sake, if you plan to go to 10 different doctors and 10 different pharmacies, do NOT use your fucking insurance for your dope! See, although our computers aren’t linked together, we all bill to the same insurance company system. Like Santa, they know where you’ve been and if you’ve been bad.
          • When I offer to call the police because “someone” picked up your narcotics that you didn’t know, the correct answer is “sure” not “OH NU-UH! DONT CALL THE PO-LICE! WE DONT NEED THE PO-LICE INVOLVED!”. Amazing how the P word seems to jog people’s memories.
            • Please use a pen that at least is an attempt to match the color of the doctors. Light blue ballpoint 1 in front of an dark felt-ink 30 isnt really trying.
              • If you’re going to offer sexual favors for an early refill, please at least be somewhat good looking (and have all your teeth). It makes me feel better to not laugh/make that ‘oh fuck no!’ look in your face when I tell you no.
                • Last but not least; please don’t start every single conversation with me with “Ok, heres what happened”, or “You’re not going to believe this”.
                  Now I know i’m going to get lots of hate mail on this one (like my rant about poor people and pain) saying “wah wah wah, I have chronic pain, you dont understand, wah wah wah”. Yes, it sucks that you have chronic pain, and yes, you shouldnt be treated like an addict, but laws are made because of the BAD people, not the GOOD people like yourself. So yes, the shit I deal with on a daily basis makes it harder for legitamite people to get medication. Thats life. So until we can wipe all the crackhead addicts off the planet that ruin it for the legit people, you’ll have to just float to the surface of the retard wave and show your local pharmacist that you are indeed not one of those crackheads.
                  For those who need to take this further:
                  We have a lot of stake here, our licenses, our jobs, our homes, etc. Shit that we spent up to 7 years of college for the slip of paper that lets us legally do our job. Does the DEA care that we are just trying to ‘Help People” who come in and feed us line after line of bullshit? Hell no! Does the State Pharmacy Board? Hell no! They see a vial from YOUR store with YOUR initials for 200 lortabs off of some street seller which (upon getting refill records via subpoena) they see that you’ve been filling a month supply every 10 days for the last 6 months because they were (according to them) “in chronic pain”. Will that patient bail your ass out of jail? No! Will they pay your house payment? No! Will they put your kids through college? No! Will the Doctor say “Yup! I supplied that addict!” FUCK NO!!!@#!@ Pharmacists get good gut feelings about people. If you’re on-time, a regular patient, and get other shit filled there than your Norco/Valium/Soma (better if your whole family comes there and yanno, talks to us) then we’ll believe you when you say you lost them.
                  To just assume that everyone who starts every conversation with “OK, heres what happened” is in chronic pain and not trying to get dope to sell is a bit naive and quite silly. Why put locks on our front doors? Everyone is a ‘good person’ that wont try to rip you off. Why do I even need to be at the pharmacy? I’ll just open everything up, put a little collection box in front for people to slip their copays in, make a kiosk that prints the labels, and people can scoop their pills out of big bins into vials like you see in the supermarket.
                  Soma in 55 gallon drums with a big clear plastic scooper. My god.

Comments #

Comment by Tony on 2006-12-29 16:18:26 -0800 #

LMFAO I love reading this stuff. Your retail sucks sorta like mine!

Comment by tootsie on 2006-12-31 10:30:22 -0800 #

Honey, you need a hug. And a single malt. And a vacation.
*sending you all virtually*
The not-so-desperate-part-time-hospital pharmacist

Comment by rxsux on 2007-01-01 12:47:53 -0800 #

Well, I finially did it. It took a lot of tries and 3 years plus at my current job, but I worked at it and practiced, practiced time and time again. Finially figured out split billing you ask? Helllll no, I broke the phone in a slamming fit of rage. Telephone=0 Pharmacist=1 I WIN I WIN!!!!!

Comment by motherjones-rn on 2007-01-02 13:58:39 -0800 #

My god, I’m amazed to haven’t gone postal yet. I don’t know how you do your job. I’d be in jail for hurting a junkie.

Comment by drew on 2007-01-06 15:30:26 -0800 #

you suck

Comment by Ally on 2007-01-17 13:30:41 -0800 #

You seriously kick so much ass.
I am totally compassionate for patients in chronic pain, which is why I tell them if they feel the need to refill early…it means they aren’t taking the medicine as prescribed and I’ll call the doctor for them since they obviusly need more pain relief. That usually shuts them up!!!!
I have one particular doctor in the area who gets around the 30 day rule by writing for Percodan, Endodan, and Endocet for the same hoodrat patient who also happens to be on the child molester list. Everyone obviously goes to him to get their narcotics. How can I get his license revoked?

Comment by Ned on 2007-01-26 15:23:57 -0800 #

Here’s one for your list a nurse friend told me about some years back: Use a dictionary when attempting a forgery on that pad you stole. That way you’ll know “morfene” isn’t how it’s spelled.

Comment by mimi on 2009-10-26 08:51:44 -0700 #

Why don’t you get another job if this annoys you so much. For Christ’s Sake…you have a blog about it and you get a hard on when you THINK that you might possibly get to tell someone NO or when you think that You just might get someone in trouble. Are you really this much of a looser, you have NOTHING better to do? I know there are laws and you guys should abide by them but you are acting Gleefull about telling someone no and just seem like a jerk.