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An Xmas poem that beats the shit out of mine

·867 words·5 mins

This is taken from Apothecary Tales.  Its too well written and too funny to have me just skip over it:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
All the crackheads were stirring, much like a crackhead mouse
The Promethazine poured, from the bottle with care
In hopes that St. Codeine, would bring plenty to share
The crackies then nestled while withdrawing in their beds
When visions of methadone danced in their heads
Mama in her mu mu and daddy in a wife beater
Just cooked up crystal meth on top of their heater
When from downstairs arose such a clatter
Daddy sprang from his bed to see what was the matter
Away to the stairs he ran like a cheetah
Fell over his pants and swallowed Viagra
The moon on the breast of the Kentucky Fried Chicken
Gave daddy the munchies as he entered the kitchen
When what to his wondering eye should appear
But a large ass bottle of Suboxone was near
With a little old taste, so delicious and quick
Dissolved under the tongue and downed with a drink
More rapid than acid, his prescriptions then came
And we he whistled and shouted, and called them by name;
Now Valtrex! Now Soma! Now Focalin and Concerta!
On Oxys! On Percs! On, Valium and Xanax!
From the top of the window to the top of the wall
Get me high, get me high, get me high y’all!
As colors before the wild hallucinations occur
Daddy’s body convulses before it hits the floor
So up then gets mommy and grabs and Epi-pen
In order to revive daddy to play with St. Codeine again
And then in a twinkling, they heard at the door
Some neighbors came over, looking to score
Daddy got dressed in a coat made of fur
Got the Purple Drank ready and danced on the floor
A bundle of narcotics daddy had flung on his table
Snorting the Oxy’s, all were willing and able
His eyes, how they glazed over!
His dimples how merry!
His pupils rolled to the back of his head, shit just got heavy!
His drool from his mouth was foaming like a dog
And the beard on his chin was getting all clogged
The stump of a crack pipe he held in his teeth
And the pattern of piss circled his pants like a wreath
He had a pale face, used to have a lead belly
Which now caused his coma and made him poop out brown jelly
He was skinny and dirty, a right scummy-ass dude
Everyone laughed when they saw him, smelly with an attitude
A twitch in his eye and turn of his head
His tongue flopped on out, we all knew he was dead
He spoke not a word, but there was still a party to go
It was mommy’s turn to snort, this time some blow
And laying a finger on the side of her nose
Line up another one bitches, I’m now a single ho!
She sprang to her feet and gave her husband a look
Then thought of all the drugs she still had to cook.
But I heard her exclaim, as she snuck out of sight
Merry Christmas motherfuckers I’m getting my “OC’s” on tonight!

Comments #

Comment by ApothecaryTales on 2010-12-25 22:55:20 -0800 #

Thanks for the repost much appreciated! Have a Happy and Healthy Holiday Season. GO DRUGGIES!

– The Highlander @ ApothecaryTales

Comment by sumotoad on 2010-12-30 00:46:19 -0800 #

(sing to “My Favorite Things”

Vicodin, Soma, Norco and Lortab
Please Mr. Pharmacist give me one more tab
Antibiotics to kill all my bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

FenPhen, Meridia both make me thinner
If you take dexedrine you won’t need dinner
Uppers and Downers are all that I crave
I’ll take my Percocet right to my grave

When I’m weary, or I’m teary, or I want to quit…

I simply take some of my favorite drugs
and then I don’t feeeeelllll
Liiiiike Shiiiiiiit!

Comment by Rebecca on 2011-01-04 13:12:30 -0800 #

There are some serious problems with you being a pharmacist. This is so unprofessional for so many reasons. Me thinks you protest too much if you can grasp what that means. If truly you are so angry at this job and see all that you list, which is not worth my time to read it, then it is time to move on. Let someone else have the job.

Comment by PharmGirl on 2011-01-05 06:48:21 -0800 #

Hey Rebecca, since you are obviously NOT a pharmacist, let me let you in on a little secret: Its WORSE than what he writes, worse than you can imagine. I have only been a pharmacist for 7 years, but since I went to school for 8, and still owe $90,000 in student loans, I can’t really “move on” or “let someone else have the job”. What the fuck DO you do, anyway? I’m willing to bet you are a nurse…HAHAHAHAHAAHAH

Comment by Reggie on 2011-12-16 11:32:28 -0800 #

OMFG! This is GREAT! And I am a Nurse, and Fucking a right I can so relate to all this shit. In fact I work for a methadone clinic…OMG….Love this site!