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Old Folks and Their Poopies.

·994 words·5 mins

All pharmacy staff has seen this before:
Old man/lady comes in weekly (or even three times weekly), picks up a bottle (or 4) of the familiar green bottle of Magnesium Citrate, and happily does god only knows with it. Rinse and repeat for the next 10 years. For those non-pharmacy types: Mag Citrate is a yucky tasting laxative that comes in a very distinctive green bottle. Its best shotgunned all at once while very cold (so it tastes like buttcrack instead of ass). In school we wanted to do the “Mag Citrate Challenge” where contestants each chug a bottle of mag citrate, and the last one to crap themselves loses.
Moving on,
What is the issue with old people being obsessed with their poop? Does being old make very simple things magical? “Martha! Come look at this! I’m growing a brown tail! Loo-… awww.. It fell off onto the floor”.
I cant explain it. I mean, I enjoy taking a good dump (its when I get to sit and relax during work!), but i’m not going to run into my pharmacist in a panic if my brown babies arent birthed at the same time each day. Here are some horror stories from the pharmacy:

  • Lady calls up to tell us she’s shit down the back of her legs, and now her shoes are filled with shit. She asked what do to, so I tell her to take her shoes off and get a mop.
    • Man gets a bottle of Mag Citrate to tell us he hasnt pooped all day, and he feels something but its too far up there for him to reach with his fingers. Please dont touch anything sir, you have problems.
      • Man comes in the store in a panic because he hasnt pooped in 2 days. When I ask him if he’s eaten anything in 2 days, he said “No. Why do you ask?”. I politely inform him of the not-so-known fact that poop is indeed (believe it or not) made of food, and if you dont eat any food, you wont make any poop. He had a look of complete surprise. Yes, you and I are paying for his MediCare benefits.
        • Bermuda-Triangle lady who says “what have you got to take a shit, i’m backed up to my lungs”
          • Person who pooped his pants in the store was enjoyable. Im just glad it didnt roll down his leg and onto the floor. The look on his face was priceless.
            • Person who hadnt pooped for 2 weeks, and wondered what over the counter medication they could use to relieve the cramping that he had. I wanted to say “A rubber spoon, some lube, and a whole lotta teeth-grittin” but alas we told him he needed to go to the hospital.
              Its mind boggling. You would think that older folks would have something else to focus their mind on. Like watching Dallas or Jag reruns. Hell, watching Golden Girls reruns is better than dreaming of your next bowel movement (not by much though). I guess I wont understand until I hit that magical age of 90.
              Just as a side note, I pointed my dear parents to this blog some time ago. They loved the last rant involving poop so much they printed it out and hung it on their fridge. I swear, they never put my report card on the fridge, but the’ll put some poorly worded banter on how people dig through their poop looking for things on their friggin fridge. Guess the apple doesnt fall far from the tree.

Comments #

Comment by Bill Pill Counter on 2006-07-25 18:25:31 -0700 #

You sure are a uppity fuck for being a glorified pill counter.
Just count my pills keep your mouth shut before you are replaced with an always friendly machine.

Comment by Stephanie on 2006-07-30 22:44:45 -0700 #

I totally know what you mean! Most of our patients are senior citizens and they’re always coming in asking for something for “my bowels” or the dr was supposed to call in something for “my bowels”. All they ever talk about is their bowels, it’s kinda disturbing.
BTW you and the drug nazi have inspired me to create my own blog. My blog has a link to here. If you could link to mine that would be great. Thanks!

Comment by random evil CPhT on 2006-08-23 16:40:08 -0700 #

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA…every time I dispense a bottle of mag citrate, I can’t help but smirk at the poor sap in charge of the patient. I just hope that I won’t be on that unit when it works.

Comment by Stephanie on 2006-09-01 08:41:11 -0700 #

Where are you angry pharmacist!!!!!!!!!

Comment by stl_rxtech on 2007-04-27 21:48:14 -0700 #

i dunno if this has happened to u guys before but we had a lady who apparently didn’t know what suppositories are? she decided to chew on them, with the aluminum wraper still on! she came in wondering why the prescription didn’t work! we also had a lady carry her nuvaring round her wrist and people dropping pills down their ears beacuse “its an antibiotic for ur ears”. Back to the whole bowels thing, once a long time ago a man ran inside the store to the bathrooms. he had to take a dump really really bad. well i unfortunately locked the bathroom the last time i used it (cause i like privacy) and he exploded literally all over the lil hallway. i mean it was on the floor, the walls and he left his fucking underwear their! i walk in accidently and see two managers and an employee in masks n gloves scrapping the shit off the floor and walls while they opened the emergency door to vent the fuckn place. God help us all.

Comment by wladislaw nijinsky on 2008-05-31 08:41:49 -0700 #

I shit your shit. I shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. So I don’t see what’s worng with ppl simply wanting to enjoy a shit.