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I figure that since I rag on everyone else on here, I mine as well post a dumbass move by yours truly.
A few days ago, during work, I decided to eat 5 soft tacos from Taco Bell. Now any pharmacist knows that lunch time is much like bathroom time; a race to finish the quickest. So I inhaled those 5 soft tacos, drank about half of my large drink, and went back to work.
About 2 hours later, I had the worst cramps on the planet. My intestines decided to make a run for the border. I was hoping to just rip a loud fart (AKA a tech call, because your tech always walks right behind you no matter how quietly you fart) and be done with it.
No way, Taco Bell wasnt going without a fight. I try to go #2 in the bathroom, no go. The cramps were getting worse and worse. So I did the most drastic thing i’ve ever done in my life.
I grabbed a bottle of magnesium citrate and put it in the freezer.
Now I can see all of you retail people laughing hysterically. For those of you not in retail, Mag Citrate is what people use to clean themselves out. It usually comes in a small 10oz green bottle with a twist off lid. It comes in Lemon and Cherry flavor, but they both taste like ass. They usually produce a very explosive bowel movement. I’m not talking about soft-serve ice-cream poo, i’m talking about firehose KERPOW slop-dumping-in-toliet poo. The stuff that you dont want to do in a public restroom, because everyone present starts to giggle.
Ever play with those water rockets when you were a kid? Yanno, you fill them up with water, put them on a little air pump, and put a couple dozen PSI into them? You know how the water shoots violently out as it propels itself into the air? Well imagine that coming out of your ass. Thats Mag Citrate.
Anyhoo, the cramps are coming in waves, and after trip 4 to the potty to try to go #2 I proceed with the Mag Citrate Challenge. I dont want to take it at work, because I dont want my staff (and the rest of the store) hearing me shooting a stream of ass-slop into the toliet. So I wait until I get home.
I get home, crack open the almost frozen bottle of mag-citrate, and give it the ole college chug-a-lug. I chase it with about 16 oz of water, and prepare to turn myself inside out.
4 hours pass, and my intestines are talking to me in chinese (or maybe korean). Then, without warning, all I could say was: ‘Oh My God’ as I ran down the hallway into the restroom with my pants around my ankles.
You know that rocket I was talking about earlier? Yeah, that was me. I could of pressure washed my car with the force of the liquid that shot out of my brown eye. My insides felt like they were deflating. At this point both of my legs had gone numb from the sitting, and my ass had a hickey on it. But no, it gets better.
Imagine now small but fierce pockets of air mixed in with all of the juice. Thats right, we dont need a clean toilet here! Lets just atomize everything coming out into a fine mist and get it all over everything!
I wont even go into how much toliet paper was used to clean up this mess. All I can say is that there are some sad hippies around these parts from all the trees I used to wipe my ass.
Yeah, that was my evening.
Taco Bell – 1
The Angry Pharmacist – 0
Comment by Bill on 2007-01-24 16:29:01 -0800 #
Well, you aren’t alone. I was taking a piss today and some dude came in to the stall and just started letting loose. I mean LOOSE. Spraying, grunting, you name it, all with commode reverberation was in full effect. totally felt violated. However, I always love poop humor and this post is classic.
Comment by Stephanie on 2007-01-24 18:41:27 -0800 #
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You just done made my day!
Comment by Lea on 2007-01-24 21:14:08 -0800 #
That was hilarious!! I am cackling like the hen that I am. Sorry for your…um…pain, but thanks for the entertainment!
Comment by greensunflower on 2007-01-25 00:20:03 -0800 #
This reminds me of the time, before pharm class and my short schooling on laxatives, when I had to get a colonoscopy. I threw up the tri-lyte, and called the on call GI. He said to take 1 bottle of mag citrate and 2 ducolax tablets, and then do it again in 4 hours. I did so and my GI commented, how well “prepped” I was. I dont think I slept the whole night.
Comment by Stephanie R on 2007-01-25 14:15:03 -0800 #
Wow. I remember this person used to come in and get 3 bottles of that stuff every single day. I wonder what their days were like.
Comment by Surgeon in my Dreams on 2007-01-26 10:25:17 -0800 #
You made me choke and spit pepsi-cherry out my nose.
Comment by Joseph on 2007-02-08 19:36:07 -0800 #
This post made me laugh, harder then i thought possible!
Comment by Brad on 2007-02-16 00:24:13 -0800 #
How the Hell have I not found this website until today?
Yeah, I’ve chugged the mag citrate before. Twice. Apparently, I never learn.
And by the way, you’re not a real man unless you chug the bottle of mag citrate warm. Pansy.
Comment by Jenn on 2007-02-26 22:38:22 -0800 #
Ah, I’ve had that stuff once before in the ER. You are not exaggerating about the effects. Very brave of you to take that when you’re already having cramps…
The nurse told me “It tastes like 7up.” The instructions were 1) drink it, 2) go straight home. 🙂
Comment by Dee on 2007-02-28 13:22:32 -0800 #
I about poop’d my pants laughing so hard while reading this……….
Comment by Cara on 2007-03-02 07:56:15 -0800 #
Hey, I am at work and I frequently Google medications I can hardly read on the MAR. I have a Mag Citrate PRN. PRN for what? Shit, I couldn’t remember if it was for or against constipation. So, here I am, post-Google Mag Citrate. I was grinning like a friggin’ moron while “working” and low and behold the entire management staff was staring at me from their meeting room. So, in conclusion, screw you for being funny and getting me busted–and will you marry me? Have a good one.
Comment by Kerri on 2007-03-19 23:07:56 -0700 #
I am sorry for your troubles, but I laughed so hard I thought I was going to explode! I couldn’t breath. Thanks for sharing a most needed funny story.
Comment by mac on 2007-08-10 18:28:22 -0700 #
i get to drink 3 bottles tuesday and have a hose run up my ass what fun i will have hose with a camera on it probally wont no shit on this movie
Comment by Charles on 2008-08-15 20:42:38 -0700 #
Was laughing so head until I shart myself.
Comment by noelle on 2010-04-07 13:39:46 -0700 #
Comment by AB on 2010-08-20 06:43:08 -0700 #
That was one of the funniest things I have ever read in my entire life! I can relate, but I appreciate that story! WHEW!!