Skip to main content
  1. Posts/

Im dreaming of a Crackhead Christmas.

·2304 words·11 mins

I hate the holidays.

There, I said it.  We should take the Christ out of Christmas and throw in Crack.  Call it Crackmas from here on out, because that is the kind of shit myself and other retail pharmacists need to deal with on a daily basis this time of the year.  Soma and Norco are the reason for the season, and when you can’t take your fucking life or family any more, you need your pills.

The holidays, to me, are a really shitty time of the year.  Let me sing you the song of my people and whine about why I wish tomorrow was Valentines day.

  • Christmas started well before Thanksgiving this year.  My co-workers, full of holiday fucking cheer, demanded we put on the 24/7 Xmas radio station for the “holiday season”.  I’ve been listening to “holiday music” for 9 hours a day, 5 (sometimes 6) days a week, SINCE THANKSGIVING.  I’m no longer dreaming of a White Christmas; I’m dreaming of a hot-tub, some fentanyl patches, some cocaine, some Viagra, and a bunch of fucking Thai hookers.  I’m dreaming of tossing that fucking radio into a wood-chipper and doing a fucking victory dance as the parts rain down on my head (knowing my luck the speaker magnet would crack my skull).  I’m dreaming of an ice-cold bottle of vodka and Simply Orange (no pulp) sitting in front of a roaring fire.  I have grown to hate the 5 fucking Xmas songs that are remixed 100 times each and played on a gigantic fucking loop.  Grandma got ran over by a reindeer because she put on Xmas music before Thanksgiving, thats why.  Bitch had it coming.
  • It gets dark early here, and for those of us who work behind the counter (and have access to the narcotic safe) that means it gets really scary once the sun goes down.  You see, there are 2 ways to get a prescription medication filled in this country.  With a prescription, or with a gun.  Unfortunately, with the GunRx ™ there’s no quantity limit, no refill limit, everything is covered with 0 copay, and you get to self-serve.  Most of the Indy’s (and a few of the chains) have already been hit in the last few months.  Fortunately nobody has been hurt, only nerves rattled and holidays shattered by having a gun shoved in their face for a handful of narcotics.  People want money this time of year, and oxycodone makes good stocking stuffers.  Keep your local Pharmacist in your thoughts when it gets dark, because for some of us, we put our personal safety on the line to make ourselves accessible.
  • On a lighter note; when it gets cold here, people (read: old people) decide that since they don’t sweat, they don’t need to shower.  The smells range from cat-piss (because cat’s aren’t going to fucking piss outside in the cold, fuck that!) to what resembles like an onion wrapped in gauze and baking in the cavity of a chicken that’s been sitting in a car for about 2 months.  I have no fucking idea what twisted part of my brain that description came from; but I must say, I’m pretty proud.  People just don’t fucking shower, and its ALWAYS the little old confused lady with the dull cow-eyes who has to ask for the 10th month in a row what her hydrochlorothiazide is for.  Ignore the simple fact she has been taking this since it was brand-name only.  At this point you pull rank and make the new pharmacists go, or better yet send an Intern so they can have a “learning experience”.
  • People, as a whole, have their asshole-dial set to 11 this time of the year.  Yes, I get you are stressed from all that christmas shopping.  However don’t complain that I am taking too long to fill your 20 Rxs (that you need RIGHT NOW) as you bitch to the crackhead next to you about waiting in front of Walmart 5 hours before they open so you can get $10 off a fucking TV.  Then have the fucking balls to whine at me about why your copays are so high because you’re in the Medicare coverage gap.  Everyone in retail is busy this time of year, I get it.  Be part of the solution and shut your fucking face and stop being part of the problem.  Usually these assholes get the price of their Soma raised.  Merry fucking Xmas.
  • Staffing can be a real issue this time of year.  My coworkers deserve days off to be with their families (or take trips).  Hell, they work with me for a living, they deserve a fucking medal and a parade once a year.  This leads to short-staffing, which means the gaps need to be filled.  This really isn’t a whine, just an observation, because I will gladly be a clerk for a day (or even come in on my day off) to give a hard-working employee some much needed time off with their family during the holidays (awwww).
  • However, I am NOT a fan of stupid game shit like Secret Santa.  Every fucking year we all draw names to play this stupid fucking game that just drips awkwardness and poor gift selection.  This year the queen of festivities (ie: my tech) decided that we shall have no gift cards, and everyone needs to write what they want on a fucking secret santa list.  My exact words to her were “What the fuck, why do you hate me and my fellow male coworkers, fuck this noise!”.   THEN I was forced to write what I wanted.  Well fuck, guess putting down “blowjobs” would be a bit out of line, so I left it blank.  Then the smart-asses come out of the woodwork and put down “A life”, “A personality”, “A sense of humor” next to my name.  When I am eventually forced to write something, I put something really vague down so someone asks me about it.  That person, in 100% of the cases, drew me for secret santa.

Sitting here in my half-drunk state writing this, I can think of some reasons why I put up with this shit.  It’s the little old ladies who come in just to bring you a Xmas card thanking you for all you did for them.  It’s for the families who drop off a box of candy, or make you cookies.  It’s the kids who made you something at school saying “thanks for making me better”.  It’s the smiles and the thank-you and the Merry Christmas that make all the above seem sorta pointless and petty (except Secret fucking Santa, I fucking loathe that game).

So from my cold bitter angry heart to yours, I wish you the merriest of Crackmas and fuck Secret Santa.

Comments #

Comment by Michelle on 2013-12-20 21:43:56 -0800 #

Thanks for writing, you are so funny! Love your style.

Comment by Jesse Thunder on 2013-12-21 00:15:35 -0800 #

I’m worried if he is an actual Pharmacist w/ access to narcotics. :-\

Comment by Elizabeth on 2013-12-21 01:46:39 -0800 #

You forgot about the little old ladies in mink coats with gucci handbags that pay a $4 copay with pocket change, nickels and dimes & pennies, the whole time whining about how much the copay is ? Happened more than once when I worked in Chicago. Your eyes glaze over as you contemplate how many prescriptions you COULD have filled if you weren’t giving ‘personal service’. ho ho ho

Comment by Don on 2013-12-21 03:32:30 -0800 #

I FUCKING HATE that secret santa shit too.

I have a solution though.

Find the sad git whose organising it, and tell them to leave you off the fucking list, or you’ll go postal.

They can all have their silly little game, and I’ve left alone.
Problem solved.

PS. Wasn’t jeebus born in March?

Comment by Deb on 2013-12-21 06:09:36 -0800 #

Dude I LOVE you.

Comment by Scott b on 2013-12-21 06:46:52 -0800 #

When I’m working in central pharmacy it’s no Xmas music until 12/20 or somebody gets their head ripped off. I unplugged the radio the day after thanksgiving cause of that shit

Comment by Someone on 2013-12-21 09:50:08 -0800 #

Time to dig into the Xanax supply. 2mg alprazolam q.i.d. p.o. for the holiday season.

Comment by CTG on 2013-12-21 11:21:17 -0800 #

I concur on all points. Cant wait until Jan 2 and life goes back to normal.

Comment by carla on 2013-12-21 16:46:05 -0800 #

I absolutely love your blog. I could read it everyday and relate. You..pharmacists put up with a lot of bullshit and don’t get paid nearly enough. Merry Christmas

Comment by BigBear on 2013-12-22 08:28:47 -0800 #

You are vulgar, but awesome.
I like most of my pharmacists – respect most – and sympathize with
all of them. I’m a doctor and I need your help almost every day. Don’t give up
on us who have to fight in the same trenches, against the same enemies,
as you do.

Comment by tsandco on 2013-12-23 13:39:09 -0800 #

I am in industry now, but my favorite pharmacy memory at Christmas was the receipt, police call, chase and subsequent arrest of one of our “patients” that had passed a forged prescription.

Lively Holiday times, watching the policeman chasing the miscreant down the isles…

Merry Christmas, and remember your coverage and co-pays will seem different very soon, next year!

Comment by HOT SHOT PHARMACISTS MAKE ME WITHDRAW LIKE AN ADDICT! on 2013-12-23 19:20:36 -0800 #

OMG, I love the Angry Pharmacist but I had a horrid experience with my pharmacy of 10 years. They got students and a bunch of hot shot newbie Pharmacists who denied me my med for 3 days, and I had to go to the emergency room and be treated like a frickin’ drug addict. The emergency room nurse said “Man, I’ll need your med, when I’m done talking you,” he almost said BITCH! But then when I got in there finally, I saw a piece of black hair with the bloody root attached as I lay there withdrawing like an animal, and three black ants were making their way to it. Then Mr. Emergency room shit head comes in and treats me like a drug addict. He said, “I’ll get your STUFF lady, but don’t do this again!” OK, I won’t let my blood pressure kill me doctor (168/100), or let the shakes or little fleas I see behind my eyes bother me, or the cramping because some new hot shot pharmacist decided I can’t have my usual med ’cause I’m 3 days early when they wrote it on the 19 and claimed I came in 3 days later, and in the end as my doctor called another pharmacy as an emergency fill, all of a sudden I hear from my pharmacy with “…Oh come get it now, we have it ready!” So I cancelled new pharmacy why have 2 class 4’s out there, and HOW DID MY OLD PHARMACY know I went to new one when I said not a word to them or anyone! It was between doc and I! What went wrong. He wrote totally new script, and it was his associate not even him. I’m done now with this old drughouse and starting anew. I’m so embarrassed about the emergency room mess then how I was treated by one particular pharmacist when he said “…No No NO not on my shift, I would never fill this lady!” I’m reporting him and the pharmacy. Thanks.

Comment by Oldandbald on 2013-12-29 19:51:07 -0800 #

I have been a pharmacy owner for almost 30 years…..I’m tired. I have been raising hell with legislators for some time about pbm’s and no one seems to give a rat’s ass. I feel like it’s David and Goliath, and we don’t even have a frikin slingshot. Our state and national pharmacy associations are week, at best. I just found your website tonight and I’m pissed that I didn’t find it sooner. We all need to ban together and go after the pbm’s now, or it will be too late. You won’t be open much longer into 2014 if you/we continue to take lower than cost reimbursement. I feel relieved that I have found someone more vulgar (and mad) than me!!!!

Comment by QuackRx on 2014-01-01 21:33:37 -0800 #

How can your associates say you need a sense of humor???? Obviously, they do not read your blog!

Comment by QuackRx on 2014-01-01 21:42:23 -0800 #

If he is an actual pharmacist, he is more likely to need and adult beverage than narcotics!

Comment by willie on 2014-01-07 15:01:16 -0800 #

If you promise to always get the yellow Norco’s ordered for me — you can be my pharmacist.

Comment by Olivia on 2014-02-04 12:02:16 -0800 #

Since you’ll never talk such chipper types out of some sort of gift exchange, may I suggest that you take the lead next year and propose a White Elephant gift exchange? We do that at my work – don’t have to buy anything, and the funnier/crazier the “gift” is, the more amused we all are. We draw numbers and pick (and give) anonymously. It’s fun – which can hardly be said of “secret” santa, which is horrifying.

Comment by Jen on 2014-11-30 13:39:13 -0800 #

The Christmas music playing starting at midnight thanksgiving night is not fair to the employees and does not help anything. I see now that it gets dark at 5:(. I appreciate your sense of humor !! 🙂

Comment by Christine on 2015-02-02 20:02:07 -0800 #

This just makes me extra happy I don’t have to work with the drug addled public!

Comment by greg on 2019-04-04 19:05:28 -0700 #

An alcoholic bitching about “crackheads.” Nice.